How many friends do you have? Out of your list, how many would you consider to be close friends? And of your close friends, do you have an “inner circle,” ones with whom you are closest? It was a pleasant surprise to find in Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics a lengthy deliberation about friendship! Why a surprise? Because this is a book about virtue ethics! But he allocates Book 8 and 9 on the topic of friendship, “For friendship is a certain virtue or is accompanied by virtue.” 

Friendship is one subject I have found myself being lost in thought over because I need friends. And you know something? We all do.

“It [friendship] is most necessary with a view to life: without friends, no one would choose to live, even if he possessed all other goods; and indeed those who are wealthy or have acquired political offices and power seem to be in need of friends most of all.”

How accurate! Were one’s earthly dreams to come true with abundant wealth, or one’s station in life, it would be all for nothing if there was no one to enjoy it with. This is why when something good happens (in the good providence of God) we call our spouse, or our closest friends. We want them to know so they can share in the joy with us which further increases our own joy. 

Commenting on the value of having friends, Aristotle says: 

“In poverty as well as in other misfortunes, people suppose that friends are their only refuge. And friendship is a help to the young, in saving them from error, just as it is also to the old, with a view to the care they require and their diminished capacity for action stemming from their weakness; it is a help to those in their prime in performing noble actions, for “two going together” are better able both to think and to act.”

Haven’t you found this to be true in your life? When trials come (also in the good providence of God) we reach out to our friends for aid, comfort, and solace. Someone being there makes all the difference by lightening the load, lessening the pain, and showing us the goodness of God still in this fallen world. 

There are times when we need a sounding board; a good friend can serve in this way. And to correct us from errors! I have this fantastic memory where a dear friend grabbed hold of me and in so doing kept me from sinning. All these years later, it’s made a difference. Thank you, dear friend. 

“It seems too that friendship holds cities together and that lawgivers are more serious about it than about justice.”

Aha, we’ve made it the quote that became the title of this post. What a lovely thought: “friendship holds cities together.” Aristotle writes about how some believe opposites and diversity is a good thing – he concedes that sometimes this is the case. HOWEVER, he argues that similarity coupled with the bonds of friendship are a better thing. Don’t you grow tired of Corporate America and its tireless push toward diversity. “Differences make us stronger” they say. Perhaps in some specific ways this can be true, but wouldn’t it be better to have common goals, common interests, and common affection for one another? Surely that would advance corporate success more than differences. 

Not all friends are created equal, and Aristotle seeks to define 3 kinds of friendship:

Friendship of utility
Friendship of pleasure
Friendship of virtue

For the first type, friendship of utility, this happens when there is a common goal and a need for the other. Work relationships can often develop into friendships of utility. 

Next, friendship based on pleasure will arise naturally when there is a shared desire or activity. Kids on the playground will freely become friends, and when the summer is over and one has moved on from that former pleasure, the friendship ends just as quickly as it began. 

It is this third type of friendship that will last, because it is based on virtue. Here is Aristotle: 

“But complete friendship is the friendship of those who are good and alike in point of virtue. For such people wish in similar fashion for the good things for each other insofar as they are good, and they are good in themselves. But those who wish for the good things for their friends, for their friends’ sake, are friends most of all, since they are disposed in this way in themselves and not incidentally. Their friendship continues, then, while they are good, and virtue is a stable thing. Each person involved is good simply and for the friend, since good people are good simply and beneficial to one another.”

This is my favorite quote from the entire book because of the alluring descriptions of friendship based on virtue. They are “complete friendship,” and “friends most of all.” There is something charming about these that gets to me, and drives me to possess such friends and to be such a friend to others. 

We all want our closest friends to love us, not for how we benefit them, but entirely because they love us for who we are and our shared virtue. 

As to the question of ‘how many friends of virtue’ should one have? Aristotle writes this: 

“Having more friends than is sufficient for one’s own life, accordingly, is superfluous and an impediment to living nobly. There is then no need of them. And with a view to pleasure too, a few friends are enough, just as with seasoning in food. … Perhaps, then, it is good not to seek to have as many friends as possible but only as many as are sufficient with a view to living together, for it would seem that it is not even possible to have an intense friendship with many. Hence in fact it is also not possible to be passionately in love with more than one person. Intense friendship, accordingly, is only with a few people. This also seems to be what is actually done; many do not become friends in the manner of close comrades, and friendships of that sort, celebrated in hymns, are spoken of in terms of pairs.”

It brings a smile to my face to read how “a few friends are enough, just as with seasoning in food.” LOL! As to the rest of this paragraph, reading this was a refreshment to my soul. Aristotle’s answer resonates with truthful application because one can reasonably have but a few “intense” friendships. I’m sure your personal experience validates this, as well. 

God’s goodness is seen here in this subject about friendship because friends of virtue like this are a gift from Him. “Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow” (James 1:17). 

Nicomachean Ethics describes one purpose of friendship in this way:

“For it belongs to a friend to do some good, especially for those in need who do not expect it: for both parties, this is nobler and more pleasant.”

The idea that friendship ought to result in doing good for the other is marvelous; think on it for a few moments: what good are you performing for your most intimate friends? Deep down, this is what we all want. Aristotle will go on to say that we want to do good to our friends because “the friend is another self.” I take him to mean: we take the friend’s interests and welfare as our own, and love him as we love ourself. 

Aristotle wrote on virtue ethics so we can know what the “good life” is, and have happiness. And so, in conclusion, Aristotle says: “he who will be happy will need serious friends.” Amen to that.

Thank you, dear reader,
|| Rusty